happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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