is your mom at the bar?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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