he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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