You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
