Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
