I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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