If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
