new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize