Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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