My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
