My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
