I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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