I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
