I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
