woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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