I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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