Got a toothbrush?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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