I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
