I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
