I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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