I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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