evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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