i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
