I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
