Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
