...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
