I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
