I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I deserve this hangover.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
