so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
