I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's official drugs can't kill me
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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