How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
