I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
