Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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