i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
