You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
