your room smells of hookers.
And success
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize