some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
