3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
