I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
