Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
