The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
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