Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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