No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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