He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
