He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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