I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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