I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
