Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
