sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
