If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
