meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
