Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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