dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
