So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
