the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
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