How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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