I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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