Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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