you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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