Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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