i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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